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Just for Fun!!

Police complaint 25th March 10

This has nothing to do with trading but might just brighten your
day when things are going against you.

Police Complaint
This is a genuine complaint to Devon & Cornwall Police Force in the UK from an angry member of the public. A true email sent to the force, lengthy but brilliantly written..... 

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Dear Sir/Madam/Automated telephone answering service, 
Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Bodmin police station to pick up a telephone, I have decided to abandon the idea - and try e-mailing you instead.

Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Bodmin, by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or Ouija board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in St Mary's Crescent, which is just off St Mary's Road in Bodmin.

Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in its third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five failed-abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on ecstasy pills.

I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the caravan gas bottle that is lying on its side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches.

Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this - after replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a Panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain your obedient servant
???????

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Mr ??????,

I have read your e-mail and understand your frustration at the problems caused by youths playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police.

As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the=2 0matter fully with you.

Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC ???????
Community Beat Officer

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Dear PC ???????
First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail.

16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Bodmin Police Station, and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next Guinness book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has its own Community Beat Officer.

May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills? In the five or so years I have lived in St Mary's Crescent , I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5 to look for Osama.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Bodmin, such as smoking in a public place or being Christian without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two20syllables at a time) to these twats that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere.

The pitch on Fairpark Road , or the one at Priory Park are both within spitting distance as is the bottom of the Par Dock, the latter being the preferred option especially if the tide is in.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on <???????>. If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Cat and Fiddle Pub.

Regards
?? ???????

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the sewerage department with whom I am also in contact !!!

 

A few one liners for you:

  • 42.7 PERCENT OF ALL STATISTICS ARE MADE UP ON THE SPOT.
  • HONK IF YOU LOVE PEACE AND QUIET.
  • REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE BELOW AVERAGE.
  • SUPPORT BACTERIA. THEY'RE THE ONLY CULTURE SOME PEOPLE HAVE.
  • CHANGE IS INEVITABLE, EXCEPT FROM VENDING MACHINES.
  • PLAN TO BE SPONTANEOUS TOMORROW.
  • IF YOU THINK NOBODY CARES, TRY MISSING A COUPLE OF PAYMENTS.
  • IF EVERYTHING SEEMS TO BE GOING WELL, YOU HAVE OBVIOUSLY OVERLOOKED SOMETHING.
  • WHEN EVERYTHING IS COMING YOUR WAY, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG LANE.
  • INSIDE EVERY OLDER PERSON IS A YOUNGER PERSON WONDERING WHAT HAPPENED.

 

A man riding his Harley along a  California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his  head and in a booming voice, the Lord  said,

'Because you  have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will  grant you one wish.

The biker pulled over and  said, 'Build a bridge to Hawaii ' so I can  ride  over anytime I want.'

The Lord said, 'Your request is  materialistic.  Think of the enormous challenges  for that kind of undertaking; the supports  required  reaching the bottom of the Pacific and  the concrete and steel it would  take, it will  nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it,  but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly  things. Take  a little more time and think  of something that could possibly help  mankind.'

The biker thought about it for a  long time.  Finally, he said, 'Lord, I wish that  I and all men could understand women; I want to know how  she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me  the silent  treatment, why she cries, what she  means when she says nothing's wrong, and how I can make  a woman truly happy.'

The Lord replied, 'You want two lanes or four on  that  bridge?

 

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous Brunette sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man. With a reflex action he reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.

"Oh my, I am so sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.

They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.

After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed. Everything had been SO incredible!

"You know," he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"

"No," she replies. . . "You just happened to catch my eye."

(Oh shut up, it's not that bad!)

 

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh, have you killed any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intriged, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the telephone."

Air Force Reaction Test

OK, this is FUN but a little addictive. The object is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black wall. Anything over 18 seconds is fantastic - I've not done it yet. Apparently the air force fighter pilots expect to go for two minutes. You can email me with your time if you like, we could start a "top gun" competition! Click here.

So far I managed 13.2 seconds :-(

Life's Too Short...

A professor stood before his philosophy class. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a large and empty jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of small pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a unanimous yes.

The professor then produced two cans of beer from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.

"Now", said the professor, as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognise that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things - your family, your health, your friends, your passions - things that, if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.

"The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, your car.

"The sand is everything else - the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls.

"The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you.

"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Spend time with your family. Take time to exercise. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the house and put out the rubbish. Take care of the golf balls first; the rest is just sand."

One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the beer represented.

The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that, no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of beers with your friends."

10 Dangerous Jobs
Fortunately trading is not physically dangerous (well, not until your 10th loser in a row!) but other jobs can be a bit risky. To take a look click here (will open in PowerPoint)

 

Quickies for the day:

  • Go into a store fitting room, wait a while then shout very loudly, "There's no paper in here!"
  • An invisible man married an invisible woman. The marriage was OK but the kids were nothing to look at.
  • What do you call fish with no eyes? fsh
  • Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn't much but the reception was excellent.
  • My parents are from Glasgow which means they are incredibly hard but they never smacked me as a child .... well maybe one or two grams to help me sleep at night.
  • My wife decided to test me after 20 years of marriage. She asked me "What's my favourite flower?" I thought I knew this one ...."Self-raising?"

 

The Human Brain

This is incredible you must take a look.
To open click the link below then click "Open". Just click on each page to move on.

 

 

10 Things To Say When You Are Caught Sleeping At Your Desk!

 

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to!"

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Tipex. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific 'Yoga' exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice 'Yoga'?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

AND THE NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk...

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

 

 

A SHORT QUIZ

The following quiz consists of 4 simple questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a Trader.

 

1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put the giraffe in, and close the door.

2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?

 

 

 

Did you say: Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant and close the door? Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.

3. The Lion King is hosting an International Animal Conference. All animals attend...exept one. Which animal does not attend?

 

 

 

Correct answer: The elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. Okay, even if you did not answer the first three correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true ablities.

4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by aligators, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?

 

 

 

Correct Answer: You jump in and swim across. Have you not been listening? All the aligators are at the International Animal Conference. This tests if you learn from your mistakes.

 

According to extensive research carried out by Short Swing Trading, around 90% of the Traders tested got all questions wrong, but many pre-schoolers got several correct answers. This conclusively disproves the theory that most Traders have the brains of a four year old!

The Bathtub Test

It doesn't hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

 

 

Have a great Day!

David Graeme-Smith